So I Will Wait

I was never the girl to be picked up from a bar. I was silent in school. I didn’t see my dad too often. Now you are reading and thinking it’s going to be one of those stories about daddy issues. I don’t know if it is. I have insecurities. I know I’m fucked up because I tried to run the other way when the last man I loved told me he wanted to settle down with me, have a life with me and that he saw a future together. So I kept my distance. Because I was a girl with issues and I couldn’t afford it. I know I was strong, yet I believed I was fragile.

I was always the other girl. The one who knows how to talk to guys, the one who had a sense of humor, the one who you could chill with like one of your boys. Heck! But there was always something missing. I was always the other girl. You know what it’s like to be the other girl? It is horrible. Doesn’t feel good. You know you wake up next to him and you know it’s all rainbows and butterflies, but all you can think is how to keep your distance. Because you are never that girl, somehow at the back of your mind you know maybe, just maybe the love and the fairy tale you believe doesn’t exist. You were in high school and he was nice to you, next thing you know is you two are holding hands hiding from teachers, puppy love, was it? Yes, it was. Next thing you know is you go to the sports meet and in the stadium you see him holding hands with another girl from another school, he sees you. But doesn’t give a damn. So you keep the distance. You go to university, meet a nice guy, at least he seemed like, can’t keep hands off of each other.

You hold hands, you go everywhere, you get a dog together. It’s been two years. You think you should let go of the insecurities, that it isn’t worth it at all. Looking over the bed as he brings you breakfast and smells your hair and kissed your forehead and says “Good morning, sunshine!”, you think maybe this is it. Maybe I shouldn’t look for reasons to run away. So I finally let go of the fear of being abandoned. You know what it’s like to be free from your own prison of thoughts, to be liberated over your own gut feelings, when every inch of your being is telling you to start running the other way? That’s when he decided to cheat on me! The timing couldn’t get any worse! I thought I was an idiot! To let go of the fear. Why didn’t I start running? Utter foolishness. But I know some things don’t just happen over a night. Maybe there was some part me which was involved in this too. Maybe he met someone who can give him everything he wants. So I can’t blame him. I couldn’t give him so many things, maybe he met someone who doesn’t have issues, someone who knows how to cuddle, someone who cooks, someone who isn’t a clean freak, someone who doesn’t see a problem with talking to exs cuz I didn’t ask him to stop talking to his ex, someone who likes to be home most of the time and sleep in, someone who would always say sorry after a fight, someone who loves kids, someone who wants to get married, someone who wouldn’t put her career first, someone who doesn’t wanna travel the world, someone who wouldn’t wake up with nightmares, someone who always texts back, someone who’s emotionally available, someone who’s just not me.

But I will be there. Even though I’m everything he didn’t want, everything he couldn’t help but fall is love, love was just not enough. He wanted more. But I did mean when I said I love him. Cuz I did. I may have said I want to travel the world, that I didn’t like kids and that I don’t want to get married. But I didn’t think it was a metaphor in his head that he thought I was just playing him. Gah! Enough! So what! I am that girl. I’m the girl who doesn’t get picked up, I’m the girl who a guy leaves for another girl. I don’t want to change myself. Just so a guy will stay with me. I don’t want him to stay and wanting things I can’t give. So leave. I don’t have a grudge against you. That’s what everyone does when they get to know me. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate myself either. Maybe I’m just not meant for a happy ending. My happy ending. There are nights when I bury myself in a bottle of whiskey and try talking to myself to grow some! But why! I don’t want to. My mom is worried that I will end up alone. I laugh at her. I laugh thinking she might be true, but what’s the point in ending up with a person to whom I can’t deliver all. So I don’t mind ending up alone. Sometimes, just sometimes you can’t have it all. All you can do is just accept who we are and believe some day, something we deserve will come along.

 

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